My mother has been having an ongoing battle against the four or so squirrels that live in my backyard. This all started longer ago than I care to remember but has just been heating up again recently. The deal is that birds like birdseed, so we have a birdfeeder in our backyard to attract them, because apparently birds are nice to look at. Squirrels also like birdseed, and these squirrels are particularly clever, and are quite adept at getting it out of the feeder. Also apparently squirrels are not nice to look at, or so my parents decided.
Before the whole war started, we used to just sprinkle birdseed on the ground, but the squirrels ate a lot of it. So my parents bought a special squirrelproof feeder and hung it on a string between some trees. The squirrels figured out they could jump down from trees and knock into it really hard, which would spill delicious seeds out onto the ground below.
More recently, my parents did away with the string and brought the feeder much closer to the house where there are no nearby trees, and mounted it on a pole. Well, the squirrels learned how to climb the pole, so they covered the pole in vaseline to make it impossible to climb, but that was no deterrent.
The latest development was when my mother went out to gather briars to wrap around the pole. I told her, “You give those squirrels a week and they’ll be up there.” She was so confident that this would be the final strike that she placed 5 dollars on it. She came into my room with a fiver the very next morning.
Personally I think they should just stop trying to fight the squirrels and give them birdseed to eat. The squirrels get along just fine with the birds — I’ve seen it. They frolic together. But I hear rumors about a plan in the works to mount the bird feeder on the side of our house so there is no pole to climb. This isn’t over yet.
Dave, I have the solution for this because my mom had a similar war on squirrels many years ago. You’ve got to grease the pole. Sounds too sexual to be effective, but it works and it’s damn funny to watch the squirrels get halfway up and then slide back down.
Electrify the pole, or alternately put cupcakes at the bottom so that they’ll eat those instead of the seeds.
Oh, put an Aibo next to the feeder!
Get a gun and shoot the squirrels. Bonus points for mounting squirrel skulls on the pole. If you did it up real nice, it could be like a set for Mad Max the Squirrel.
Or… Find some disenfranchised squirrels and give them arms. Tell them that the other squirrels have been talking shit about them.
Its never too late to lace the birdseed with arsonic or another affordable poison. Sure, a couple birds and a hobo may be casualties, but its the price of success. I know a great guy who can obtain it. Just make sure you bring the correct amount of money. I don’t need to tell you what happened last time… *shudders*